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 Hey there nostalgia fans and
potential survivors! Don’t you miss the good old days when baby boomers
were babies? I sure do. Boy, those were fine times, ain’t we lucky
we had ‘em!
Think back to all the joys
of the era: Elvis Presley in Blue Hawaii,
A&W root beer drive-ins, The Ed Sullivan show! Oh that Topo Gigio! And what about Bill Dana as Jose Jimenez! Talk about wrong! Then there was the
music, Rock Around The Clock by Bill Haley and his Comets! Roy Orbison singing for the lonely! And who can
forget our shocked parents when the Fab Four with those scandalous hairdos sang
I Wanna Hold Your Hand on national TV! Oh it does take one back
to an era of having an innocence worth losing.
Well, that innocence is not
all lost… yet! Yes, you, Mr. John Q. Public may have grown up, but
there’s no need to leave the Wonderful World
of Disney behind!
Yes! You can relive the days of the Cold War when you cowered beneath
your desk at school, when your Dad insisted on digging an air raid shelter
and your Mom lived in fear of fluoridation. Thanks to the modern techno
era, with one simple little device you can take a stroll down memory
lane guided by state of the art technology.
Friends, let me tell you about “Nukalert”! What is Nukalert? Where can I get Nukalert you
ask? Well let me tell you Nukalert is the hottest little commodity
to go to earth since Joseph McCarthy first started searching for commie
preeverts!
Nukalert is a small
but powerful device that attaches to your key ring quick and easy. You
can carry it wherever you go. Forget that iPod! Nukalert
is your new best friend. Inside Nukalert’s attractive
exterior are high-tech sensors, which send a “chirping” signal to
alert you of dangerous nuke levels of radiation.
But wait, there’s more!
Nukalert can be yours for a modest cash outlay of only $160! Why, that’s no more
than that big tax refund check Bush promised you! Buy two and
save! Save! Save! Buy two and they will only cost you a piddling
$145 each! That’s a whoppin’ 30 smackers of savings! You can take
the Little Lady out for a night at The Chum Bucket Seafood Buffet!
I can tell by the look in your
eyes you’re intrigued. Who wouldn’t be? Let me just say, you
cannot afford to be without your Nukalert!
Remember the Bay of Pigs, the
Cuban Missile Crisis and backyard fallout shelters? How about phrases
such as “duck and cover,” “global reach,” and “mutually assured
destruction”?
That’s right, the threat
of nuclear holocaust is in style again! And you want to be ready! That’s where Nukalert comes in!
Laboratory tested! This product looks to be the best
one out there. Too bad Bush and Cheney aren’t as smart as Nukalert’s inventors. Watch the video of Nukalert reacting to your
dentist’s X-ray machine. Nukalert monitors levels of potentially
deadly fallout and radiation. As your best buddy, Nukalert is
keeping you safe at all times with it’s pleasant, but distinctive
“weee, weee, weee” signals. Once you hear that, you
know you have as much as several minutes to grab the wife and kids and
head for the nearest deep mineshaft!
Common sense will tell you
that a nucleus of specimens of the human species must be preserved.
You sure as heck want to be in on that action!
What’s this you say? There’s
no danger from nuclear fallout? It’s madness? Arms Control Treaties will prevent such disasters? Under
what rock have you been living? Didn’t I read somewhere that
Bush let the last treaty lapse? Sure as shootin’, we got ‘em
and we’re gonna use ‘em!
Can you swear under oath and
be absolutely positive the guy working the graveyard shift at
the local convenience store doesn’t have a dirty bomb ticking away
in the back of his puke green AMC Gremlin?
You cannot!
And let’s not forget those
Iranians and North Koreans! You know what they’re up to. Nukes!
And they’re gonna blow! But not if we incinerate them first! God willing,
we will prevail through the purity and essence of our “precious bodily
fluids”! Things are starting to look good, too. It’s been “a dream month
for ballistic missile
defense.” Buddy,
it sure had better be. According to one expert, "Currently, America
has no effective defense against ballistic weapons fired from overseas,
despite decades of effort and $95 billion dollars spent on trying to build such a defense.”
So, Pilgrim, when those rockets
head this way, there’s nothing between you and them except Nukalert.
Fact is, we all really need Nukalert. Let me lay it on the line for you. See, it’s
like this: the United States is special. America has the dubious
honor and chutzpah to be the only country that has actually used nuclear
weapons on an enemy. As such, the U.S. is accorded a certain uh… respect?
However, suppose Bush launches
a preemptive nuclear
attack, which would
make martyrs of the entire population of Iran or North Korea? The American
homeland stands a good chance of losing that “respect.”
The rest of the world will
go absolutely bonkers. After all, nobody wants to be next. So each of
the estimated 44 nations possessing
nukes and ancient grudges will clamor to push the button. India and
Pakistan will sterilize each other. North Korea will exterminate any country with US ties. You can
kiss South Korea and Japan goodbye. To be safe, Japan has debated whether
to adopt a more aggressive outlook. Japan and China are even making nice in preparation! Europe will try to
survive if possible but don’t expect them to miss out on all the fun.
The whole Northern Hemisphere will be ringed with nuclear fallout. Chernobyl
shernobyl! You ain’t seen nothin’ yet!
That’s where your Nukalert will come in handy! So pick up one for each member of the whole family
today! Be smart! Be the first on your block! Be part of the Surviving
Elite with… NUKALERT!
(Disclaimer:
Nukalert has NOT been tested around any of the members of the Bush Administration.)
Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited
and contributed to this story.
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