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 My fellow Americans, it is
with a heavy heart that I must confess. I have transgressed. I have
committed the most heinous crime of our great land. I have been… hang
on... OK.... the lawyer firm, which represents me, Dewey, Cheatem and
Howe, has plea-bargained my sentence. If I plead guilty, I will not
be charged for high treason for wearing the “Bush is a
Moron T-Shirt” when last I visited Washington, DC. You see, I must admit that I have
been… thinking!
My name is Thomas Chartier
and I am a think-a-holic. I have been thinking, openly even!
Please dear readers, forgive
me. I didn’t know it was wrong until I learned from our Great President
and Decider, George W. Bush that thinking is unacceptable. Now I know. Of course, ignorance
of the law is no excuse… unless you’re The President. I’ve been
a blatant scofflaw for years.
As decreed by The Burning
Bush, thou shalt not think! On Friday, September 15, President Bush
stood in the sunshine of the White House Rose Garden to issue his “bull” on
the weighty subject of Thought Crime.
Thinking. Evidently that
is what The Decider does… by thinking big thoughts, Bush negates our
need to think at all. Awfully decent of him. Although
so far, I haven’t seen any evidence of thinking in George W. Bush.
Maybe he only does it when he’s having a power lunch with God.
My evil ways started a long
time ago… as a spry young whippersnapper. I learned to… read! I
studied. I have even read such ancient frivolity as The US Constitution,
The Bill of Rights, The Declaration of Independence, The Foreign Intelligence
and Surveillance Act, The Geneva Conventions! Shame! Shame! Shame! Will all great
Neptune’s ocean wash this shame clean from my hands? No way in Hell! I’ve been… thinking!
Thinking got me into hot
water. I entertained crazy notions: I became mad as hell
and wasn’t going to take it anymore!
Enraged at the networks for feeding me tripe, I recycled my television!
Out the window it went, crashing several stories below on the sidewalk.
The collateral damage was negligible. Some neighborhood hoodlums fought
over the useless parts.
That was how low I had fallen: I had an addiction to using my brain! I preferred thinking to blankly staring at a $3,000 HDTV
flat screen TV!! Ok, OK, I’m lying. So what? Why, is that not
against the law?
I can’t afford a $3,000 TV and you all know it. I tossed out my old
Zenith black and white. For those of you who are young, TV used to come
in two colors, black and white. No, no, no! I don’t mean like last
year’s iPods! I mean the picture was a black and white image. Anyway,
I tossed it out. I preferred a book to The Man Show!
Shocking isn’t it?
Disgraceful! I have been using my brain rather than simply allowing The
Shrub to fill it up with balderdash. Thinking has led me astray down
the path of enlightenment. Well, that simply won’t do in the Modern
America! Therefore I make the following pledge.
I promise faithfully that
never, ever again will I doubt that:
1) I can make enough TATP
(triacetone triperoxide) from household chemicals to blow
up an airplane in the airplane lavatory!
2) Islamo-Facists are hiding
under my bed and in my closet!
3) Iraq is better off today
than it was in February of 2003.
4) The Taliban has been defeated
in Afghanistan.
5) We are safer now than
before 9/11.
6) Torture generates true
confessions.
7) The Geneva Conventions
are “quaint”.
8) Illegal wiretapping is
keeping us safe.
9) They hate us for our freedoms.
11) President George W. Bush
speaks to God.
12) Spreading democracy by
murdering thousands of innocent civilians is a good thing.
I’m so ashamed I ever questioned
The Word of The Almighty Decider-in-Chief. My only excuse… I was… thinking!
My lawyers assure me I will
not be charged for doubting the truths listed 1 – 12, above. All I have to do is sign a confessional… freely given… to
the crime of thinking. And if I name three other people who have
committed the same offense, the feds won’t press charges. Sorry Lew.
Sorry Mike (in Tokyo) Rogers. I know you’d do the same for me. And
so, so sorry Thomas Jefferson. You’ll be sent to Gitmo retroactively. I can’t hold my breath for very long. I haven’t had the time to
adjust to the technique of water boarding. No hard feelings? Besides,
I’m not ready for a vacation at the Gitmo Resort and Spa. I want to
go straight home to my TIVO and La-Z-Boy recliner. Where’s my Soma?
So dear readers, save your
selves from my fate! Save your children! It’s not too late. Plug in
the X-box! Catch every episode of American Idol! Never miss an installment
of FOX news! Use those newspapers to wrap fish only! Burn your books! Boycott the libraries!
Don’t read subversive columnists! Don’t read… ME!
I am guilty… of thinking. Whew! Boy, I feel so much
better now that I got that out!
Elizabeth Gyllensvard edited and contributed to this story
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