Evil Down South

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EVIL SPIRITS: BUSH IN LATIN AMERICA
by Jack Random


Spirit Guides of the Mayan community in Guatemala vowed to cleanse their sacred lands of evil spirits in the wake of the American president’s footsteps.

Said spokesperson Juan Tiney: “That a person like him, with the persecution of our migrant brothers in the United States, with the wars he has provoked, is going to walk [on] our sacred lands, is an offense [to] the Mayan people and their culture.” [1]



In a hastily organized press conference, vice president Dick Cheney countered that the Mayans have their own corpses to bury. [2]

“Spanish intelligence has learned that the Mayans were responsible for literally thousands of ritualistic sacrifices of innocent women and children.

“We’re forwarding the case to the State Department to see if the Mayans, along with other so-called ‘indigenous’ communities like the Aztecs and the Lakota, should be classified as terrorist organizations.”

The vice president also noted that indigenous Bolivian president “Evil” (Evo) Morales was causing enough trouble opposing the privatization of water, defending coca plants, and cozying up to the “elected dictator” of Venezuela, without the Mayans erecting new barriers to America’s march of corporate freedom through the badlands of the dark-skinned lower hemisphere.

“We know what’s best for these people and anyone who doesn’t understand that is quite simply a terrorist or terrorist sympathizer.”

When a reporter asked how a twice-elected president (Hugo Chavez) could be considered a dictator, the vice president snapped, pulling a pen and a little black book from his pocket and demanding, “What’s your name, young man? Who do you work for?”

The reporter lit incense and waved it back and forth to cleanse the evil spirits now clearly visible in the heavily guarded bunker doubling as the vice president’s press room.

A Guatemalan reporter pointed out that the alleged crimes of the Mayans were centuries old while America’s were ongoing.

The vice president retorted: “Crimes against humanity have no statute of limitations.”

The Native American Rights Fund immediately filed suit, quoting the vice president and demanding that all sacred lands of the North American tribes be returned to their rightful owners with just compensation for the crime of genocide, centuries of exploitation and irreparable harm to the earth.

The vice president responded: “If these people think we can’t do anything because we’re tied down in the so-called ‘quagmire’ in Iraq, they’ve got a lot to learn. We took a vow to protect this nation, its people and our corporate interests from all terrorist threats, foreign or domestic, and that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”

A rumor wafted through the room that the Lakota and the Mayans (with the knowledge and support of Evo Morales and Hugo Chavez) were meeting in Prague with representatives of Nigeria to arrange the transfer of yellow cake uranium for the protection of sacred lands.

“I don’t know who these people think they are,” said the vice president with a wry grin. “You’re either with us or you’re against us.”

“Keep in mind,” he added, “we know who you are.”

“I’ve got your names right here,” he said, waving his little black book.

Attempting to change the subject, a reporter asked if he had any new thoughts on the conviction of his former aide Scooter Libby on perjury and obstruction charges.

“What’s your name, young lady? Who do you work for?”

The vice president declared that we are winning the war on all fronts and the outcome was never in doubt.

The conference was abruptly halted when the VP began choking on the fumes of Mayan incense. A Justice Department spokesperson noted there would be an inquiry into whether the incident was a terrorist attack.

“We know who you are!” repeated the VP as he was shuffled out the door.

“I’ve got your names right here!”

All reporters were detained pending an investigation of terrorist ties and terrorist sympathies.

Jazz.
 
JAZZMAN CHRONICLES: DISSEMINATE FREELY

[1] “Priests to Purify Sacred Mayan Site of ‘Bad Spirits’ After Bush Visit” by Juan Carlos Llorca, Associated Press, March 9, 2007.

[2] The press conference and all quotations of the vice president completely fabricated.

JACK RANDOM IS THE AUTHOR OF THE JAZZMAN CHRONICLES (CROW DOG PRESS) AND GHOST DANCE INSURRECTION (DRY BONES PRESS). THE CHRONICLES HAVE APPEARED ON THE ALBION MONITOR, PEACE-EARTH-JUSTICE, THE NATIONAL FREE PRESS, PACIFIC FREE PRESS, LEFTWARD, DISSIDENT VOICE AND COUNTERPUNCH. SEE RANDOM JACK: WWW.JAZZMANCHRONICLES.BLOGSPOT.COM
 

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