Bush: The Division-Maker

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by Ed Naha

I’ve officially become one of those people I loathe to encounter in movie theaters. You know, the ones who yell “Don’t open that door!” at the screen during a slasher film. With me, the TV set proves my undoing. Whenever Bush (or one of his flunkies) appears, I immediately start bellowing “Shut the &%$# up, you steaming sack o’ *&#@!” Or civilized words to that effect.

When Bush gave Congress the shaft in regards to the Iraq “surge,” last week, declaring “I’m the decision-maker,” two things resulted. My blood pressure shot up and the number of throat lozenges I consume on an hourly basis hit triple digits. As long as Bush is in power, I’m doomed to sound like Joe Cocker gargling razor blades.

You can always tell when this administration is embarking on yet another “BANZAI!” plan of action. Republicans get into their clown cars and swarm the airwaves like flies on…the aforementioned plan of action.

Bush got the ball rolling mid-week, following a State of the Union address that was as hot as a week-old urine sample.

Pumping up the appointment of his new “go to” guy in Iraq, General Custer, I mean, Petraeus, Bush defended his dismissal of the anti-war mood of the American people and the majority of Congress by stating (with a smirk): “One of the things I’ve found in Congress is that most people recognize that failure would be a disaster for the United States. And, in that I’m the decision-maker, I had to come up with a way forward that precluded disaster. In other words, I had to think about what’s likely to work.”

That quote is worth at least five lozenges. Has Bush made ANYthing work in six years? I mean, if you look up the word “disaster” in the dictionary, there’s just Bush’s photo.

Since Bush realized he had a captive audience, (It’s considered rude for the press to run from the room either laughing hysterically or vomiting.) Bush then addressed the spectre of a seething Democratically controlled Congress.

“And my call to the Congress is, is that I know there is skepticism and pessimism, and that they are — some are condemning a plan before it’s even had a chance to work. And they have an obligation and a serious responsibility, therefore, to put up their own plan as to what would work.”

I guess this new plan will be placed next to at least a dozen other plans the Dems have come up with that, somehow, haven’t registered with the Prez. Next time, Dems might want to consider the use of festive balloons and, perhaps, wads of shiny tin foil whilst presenting a plan to der Monkey King.

“I’ve listened a lot to members of Congress. I’ve listened carefully to their suggestions. I have picked the plan that I think is most likely to succeed, because I understand, like many in Congress understand, success is very important for the security of the country.”

And don’t forget to floss after every meal, ‘cause terrorists are just waiting to send in Mr. Tooth Decay! He’s backed by Iran!

Had Bush been given more time to wax eloquent, he would have seemed totally delusional. Last week, however, the mantle of “Master of Delusion” went to veep Dick Cheney who, apparently, has been inhaling his oxygen through a bong, of late.

Radiating the charm of Bela Lugosi circa “Plan 9 From Outer Space,” Cheney appeared with Wolf Blitzer on CNN, offering his own views on Iraq and the current political crisis in America. Mr. Magoo would have been proud.

Asked why we haven’t captured Osama bin Laden, Cheney opined: “Well, obviously, he’s well hidden. We’ve been looking for him for some time. I think the fact is he’s gone totally to ground. He doesn’t communicate, except, perhaps, by courier. He’s not up on the air. He’s not putting out videos, the way he did oftentimes in the past.”

Who can ever forget the bin Laden/Green Day “American Idiot” video? Man, that was smokin’.

Queried about the entire Iraq misadventure, Cheney screwed on his best “The Penguin” visage and declared: “You can go back and argue the whole thing all over again, Wolf, but what we did in Iraq in taking down Saddam Hussein was exactly the right thing to do; the world is much safer today because of it. (Note: If you don’t figure in the entire Middle East.) There have been three national elections in Iraq, there’s a democracy established there, a constitution, a new democratically elected government, Saddam has been brought to justice and executed, his sons are dead, his government is gone and the world is better off for it.”

Sorreeem, I cannut write. Tooo manny lozenges in mouf. Gack!

Cheney then barked: “Now, you can argue about that all you want, but that’s history, that’s what we did. And you and I can have this debate — we’ve had it before — but the fact of the matter is, in terms of threats to the United States from al Qaeda, for example, attacks on the United States, they didn’t need an excuse. We weren’t in Iraq when they hit us on 9/11.”

Uh, neither was al Qaeda.

When Wolf said that there is a terrible situation in Iraq, Cheney sneered: “No, there is not. There is not. There’s problems, ongoing problems, but we have, in fact, accomplished our objectives of getting rid of the old regime, and there is a new regime in place that’s been there for less than a year, far too soon for you guys to write them off. They have got a democratically written constitution, first ever in that part of the world. They’ve had three national elections. So there’s been a lot of success.”

If you consider trading purple inked fingers for drilled eye sockets a success.

Cheney, dismissing any rumors of wartime blunders as “hogwash,” declared that the biggest threat to Iraq was…uh…American democracy.

“But the biggest problem we face right now is the danger that the United States will validate the terrorist strategy, that, in fact, what will happen here with all of the debate over whether or not we ought to stay in Iraq, with the pressures from some quarters to get out of Iraq, if we were to do that, we would simply validate the terrorists’ strategy that says the Americans will not stay to complete the task – that we don’t have the stomach for the fight.”

Maybe I should just start injecting lozenges.

Cheney did admit that mistakes were made. “Oh, I think in terms of mistakes, I think we underestimated the extent to which 30 years of Saddam’s rule had really hammered the population, especially the Shia population, into submissiveness. It was very hard for them to stand up and take responsibility in part because anybody who had done that in the past had had their heads chopped off.”

In other words, the current cataclysm in Iraq has arisen because Iraqis are beaten, cowardly wimps. But we still love ‘em, right?

When confronted with the fact that Congress is considering several resolutions decrying Dumbya’s new Iraqi surge, Cheney said…screw ‘em.

“It won’t stop us, and it would be, I think detrimental from the standpoint of the troops, as General Petraeus said yesterday. He was asked by Joe Lieberman, among others, in his testimony, about this notion that somehow the Senate could vote overwhelmingly for him, send him on his new assignment, and then pass a resolution at the same time and say, but we don’t agree with the mission you’ve been given…

“We are moving forward. We are moving forward. The Congress has control over the purse strings. They have the right, obviously, if they want, to cut off funding. But in terms of this effort, the President has made his decision. We’ve consulted extensively with them. We’ll continue to consult with the Congress. But the fact of the matter is, we need to get the job done. I think General Petraeus can do it. I think our troops can do it. And I think it’s far too soon for the talking heads on television to conclude that it’s impossible to do, it’s not going to work, it can’t possibly succeed.”

There will be a short pause, here, while I play Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid.”

Later, Cheney (carefully) puffed out his chest and stated: “Implicit in what the critics are suggesting, I think, is an obligation to say, well, here’s what we need to do, or we’re not going to do anything else. We’re going to accept defeat. Defeat is not an answer. We can, in fact, prevail here, and we need to prevail. And the consequences of not doing so are enormous.”

Let me pop a bag of lozenges before I add: “What the $^()+ are you &^%$#@ talking about you flabby, gas-bagging, draft-dodging, pasty-faced +*&^%$#@!”

Or civilized words to that effect.

Bush, meanwhile, in the Presidential clown-car, zoomed off to speak to Republican House members, flinging his wartime crap against the wall before concluding. “I have confidence in the future of this country, because we’re a country full of such decent and courageous and loving people.”

So decent and loving that we’re willing to illegally invade and occupy a sovereign nation because of a grudge and kill nearly a half-million innocent civilians. (Translation for George: That’s a whole buncha people!)

Bush and his flunkies, still trying to squelch the growing anti-surge noise from Congress, even went so far as to send out our new Defensive Secretary Robert (open the flood) Gates who gave a press conference on Friday with a furrowed brow (and a few fingers crossed).

“It’s pretty clear that a resolution that in effect says that the general going out to take command of the arena shouldn’t have the resources he thinks he needs to be successful certainly emboldens the enemy and our adversaries,” Gates said, ignoring the fact that no such resolution was proposed and betting on the fact that nobody in the MSM would bother to note that.

“I think it’s hard to measure that with any precision, but it seems pretty straightforward that any indication of flagging will in the United States gives encouragement to those folks,” Gates said, referring to the anti-government forces in Baghdad - now most of the population. He added that he was certain this was not the intent of those who support the congressional resolution, “but that’s the effect.”

Screw lozenges. I need morphine.

By the weekend, Biggus Dickus was doing mop-up work in a “Newsweek” interview summing up anti-surge Republican foe Chuck Hagel with: “Let’s say I believe firmly in Ronald Reagan’s 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not speak ill of a fellow Republican. But it’s very hard sometimes to adhere to that where Chuck Hagel is involved.”

He also dismissed his critics with a snarky “Well, I’m vice-president and they’re not.”

Talk about your existential conflict!

Okay. We’ve clearly passed the “officially insane” tipping point. These murderous buffoons have to get out of office. Now.

Impeachment will take too long. Congressional investigations will grow moss on their North sides before any of our troops come home.

My solution? Operation Nouveau Noriega! Hotcha!

Remember back in ’89 when beleaguered Panamanian leader Manuel Noriega sought sanctuary in the Holy See embassy to escape Bush Senior’s troops? What did Daddy Bush do? He surrounded Noriega with loudspeakers and ordered U.S. Psychedelic-Ops to play loud rock music 24/7. Noriega surrendered a week later.

Let’s all kick in a couple of bucks and set up speakers around the White House, the Crawford ranch and Cheney’s bunker and blast rock continuously.

Start off with songs like: Edwin Starr’s “War,” Country Joe’s “Feel Like I’m Fixin’ To Die Rag,” Phil Ochs’ “I’m Not Marchin’ Anymore,” The Doors’ “The Unknown Soldier,” The Animals’ “We Got To Get Out Of This Place,” The Who’s “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” Lennon’s “Give Peace A Chance,” Bobby Fuller’s “I Fought The Law (And The Law Won),” Moby Grape’s “Murder In My Heart For The Judge,” Barry McGuire’s “Eve of Destruction,” Earth Opera’s “The Great American Eagle Tragedy” and Zappa’s “Help, I’m A Rock.”

Imagine. Bush sprinting to reach his mountain bike for a quick get-a-way. Cheney attempting to burrow into his bunker in-between fuzz-box guitar solos. Rice, torn, picking up a kazoo to join the Country Joe solo.

That’s when we bring in the big guns: Outkast’s “Bombs Over Baghdad,” Neil Young’s “Shock and Awe,” Pink’s “Mr. President,” Pearl Jam’s “Worldwide Suicide,” Thin Lizzy’s “Holy War,” Green Day’s “American Idiot,” Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs,” The Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready To Make Nice” and Talking Heads’ “Psycho-Killer.”

And, they are OUTTA THERE!

Okay. You may call me a dreamer. But I’m not the only one.

Here are Freda Payne’s thoughts from the late 60’s, via: “Bring The Boys Home.”

“Fathers are pleading, lovers are all alone
Mothers are praying-send our sons back home
You marched them away-yes, you did-on ships and planes
To the senseless war, facing death in vain –

“Can’t you see ‘em march across the sky, all the soldiers that have died
Tryin’ to get home-can’t you see them tryin’ to get home?
Tryin’ to get home-they’re tryin’ to get home
Cease all fire on the battlefield
Enough men have already been wounded or killed.”

That song was a hit, almost four decades ago, when Nixon’s “Silent Majority” was digging its heels in over ‘Nam and every war protestor was considered a “commie.” The more things change, the more they remain the same.

Maybe, if someone re-recorded it as “Bring Them All Home,” it would make a dent in the pro-war citizenry, today.

And help oust “the collision-maker.”

Or the “derision-maker.”

Or the “revision-maker.”

Or whatever the Hell King George is calling himself, today.

Me? I need another lozenge just to play it safe.

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