Send The Shrub Your Mail!

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by Tom Chartier

My dander is up like it hasn’t been for… a week… maybe less! This is the last straw… until the next one. I am outraged. George W. Bush has pulled another fast one on Congress and the American public.

You ever notice the insatiable appetite of the hard-core criminal. He is driven to commit new and more bizarre crimes. For the garden-variety crook, perpetrating new crimes is a necessary and heady stimulus... like good Tequila Boilermaker. Si! Tiempo para una mas tequila y cerveza!

Well, draw what conclusions you like, but George W. Bush’s appetite can’t be satisfied. Not content with illegal war, torture, the Patriot Act, the flushing of the Foreign Intelligence and Surveillance Act down White House toilet, secret electronic eavesdropping of Americans Citizens and the Military Commissions Act, now Bush has decided to read your mail!

I for one do not care to have any of my mail, incoming or outgoing read by Bush or his goon-squad. He doesn’t need any more evidence against me, Bush bought Nixon’s list of subversives from which my name was never deleted. I’m so proud. After all, I am an avid supporter of the U.S. Constitution. God… er… George forbid!

With another stroke of the executive pen Bush has issued his 143rd signing statement. To destroy the U.S. Constitution is his never-ending quest. Last December 20, a minor reform bill, the “Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act,” became law. The title alone scares me. “Enhancement?” “Accountability?” Neatly tacked onto it was Bush’s signing statement that reserves his right to read your mail! What’s next, sniffing your dirty laundry?

If this does not make you livid, you must be dead from the neck up.

Let me ask you this. Have you have read the Constitution of the United States of America lately? I’ll be willing to bet George W. Bush has never read it. I suggest that you take the time to do so, carefully, while you still can before it’s locked up in a secret State vault. Here’s a link to help.

Pay close attention to Amendment IV.

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Did you see that? You have the right to be secure in your persons, houses, papers and effects. Now I’m no Supreme Court Justice, but even I will tell you that “papers” includes mail.  See that letter from the Little Orphan Annie’s Secret Society with the Secret Decoder Badge inside? That’s my personal private property there Mr. Bush! I’ve been led to believe that opening and reading another person’s mail is a Federal Offence. When did this change? Obviously, if you’re George W. Bush or one of his henchmen, on December 20, 2006. It’s still a one-way ticket to the slammer for the rest of us.

Are we going to let The Shrub get away with this outrage? What’s it going to take to put this megalomaniac away?  The noxious facts of an illegal war and 3,000 dead U.S. troops irritate people only because the U.S. is getting its backside kicked. Remember when the Feds decided to listen in on your phone calls and read your email?  That barely raised a stink. The tossing out of habeas corpus was greeted by a collective yawn. Not even the eloquence of Keith Olbermann could rouse our stupefied citizenry. How many people actually know what habeas corpus is anyway?

So I doubt having the federal government ripping open birthday cards, fingering family vacation photos or steaming open love letters is going to bother anybody. We hold this truth inviolate:  Our Beloved Leader must be empowered tofind those anthrax spores and other threats to his freedom to be a tyrant! Besides, what do you have to fear from George W. Bush’s Gestapo agents? You’re completely innocent and his job is to protect you.

If you actually believe Bush’s excuses you probably don’t know how to write a letter in the first place. If, by chance, you do know how to write a letter, I suggest you choose the safe course by writing nothing. Or if you must write letters, just sign them Richard Perle, Mamie Eisenhower or Elvis. Be sure to wear latex gloves to hide your prints.

For those of you who agree with me and think your mail is your personal business, I have a suggestion. If George wants to read your mail send it to him! That’s right. Make it easy for the louse. Let’s give George the benefit of the doubt and be “with him” instead of “against him!”

Xerox all your letters and send them to George, starting with those after Christmas thank you notes all the way to next December’s greeting cards. Oh and don’t forget Junior’s letters to Santa! “Dear Santa, I would like my daddy home for Christmas. Please don’t wrap him in a box with a flag.  - Billy.”

And then there’s all your incoming mail.  

Think about it.  What do you actually get in your mailbox everyday? Bills and garbage. That’s what! George may learn some facts about the poor state of the U.S. economy when he scours your credit card bills, your children’s college tuition statements, the family health insurance account, those pesky late notices from the mortgage company and that sinister envelope from the IRS. On rare occasions you get something you might want, like the Victoria’s Secret catalogue.  Bush already has a mountain of those stashed in the Oval Office Executive “reading room” where the Iraq Study Group Report got flushed. But, let’s face it, mostly you get junk, junk, junk and more junk.

Ok, here’s the drill: stuff it all into an envelope and send it off to George! Let his hound dogs sniff it to search for clues. You can save money by routinely asking the Post Office to forward all your mail to the White House.  Just don’t expect George to forward your mail on to you. Of course, you don’t really want it anyway.

Imagine the White House buried in a mountain of junk mail from all 300,918,099 and counting of America’s angry citizens. What a happy thought! I’d pay money to see it!  Let The Shrub decide which company to refinance your house or which body sculpting gym you ought to join!  During election years, Bush will be swamped with letters from the GOP… and the Democrats… begging for money. Oh bliss.

Here’s the address:
President George W. Bush
The White House
Washington, DC 20500

Happy reading George!

Elizabeth Gyllensvard contributed to and edited this story.

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