By Tom Chartier
Yes, thatâ€™s right you heard
me. Who let the COW into the classroom? No, no, no, not the mooing,
milk-producing, four-legged bovine. Iâ€™m talking about COW: Curriculum On Wheels, a teaching device produced by Ignite! Learning.
COWs are the latest gadgetry
in a long line of â€œeasy teachingâ€ scams swallowed by incompetent
school administrators, lazy teachers and helpless parents desperate
for any sign of learning from their childrenâ€¦ like a grade of C+ in
Basically, COWs are self contained
software projectors complete with all the bells and whistles one wants
in the â€œiStupidâ€ age. Miss Crabtree is being replaced by a machine.
Real teaching is going down the swirly bowl in favor of catchy jingles
and cute cartoons. Hey kids. Letâ€™s see how Mr. Bighead explains Plutoâ€™s demotion from planet
to mere space rock.
Letâ€™s see, our kids spend
all morning and all afternoon watching cartoons or playing video games,
so we donâ€™t have to actually raise them. Why not fill up the classrooms
with cartoons and video games so the teachers donâ€™t actually have
to teach them. What a stroke of genius!
The benefits are apparent and
far-reaching. With classrooms full of COWs,
teachers no longer have to know how, let alone what to
teach. Itâ€™s all done for them. No more silly requirements of prior
education required. School districts wonâ€™t have to hire even marginally
qualified teachers. All they need is an individual who can keep the
kids in line and throw a switch. Dr. Frankensteinâ€™s assistant Igor
should do nicely. Nobody seems to have any respect for teachers anymore
anyway so who cares? Now school districts can simply yank some yahoo
out of line at the welfare office and turn them loose. Think of the
savings. Lesson plans are a thing of the past with COW. Teachers have
more free time to hit the bars at night in preparation for a classroom
full of eager, smiling faces.
Best of all, kids will learn
only what the manufacturer, Ignite! Learning chooses to pack into
their COWs! Whew, thatâ€™s good news. No more Scopes Monkey Trials in
the future. Come to think of itâ€¦ with COW we can avoid teaching about
the Scopes Monkey Trial entirely.
For the moment, COWs are available
only in Science COWs, Social Studies COWs and the ultra spiffy deluxe
SUPER COW, which has both Science and Social Studies combined. No reading, writing or arithmetic here. Nope,
Miss Crabtree still has to (try to) inculcate those skills in her pupils. Thankfully, COWs have not ventured into the tricky area of the three
â€œRsâ€â€¦ yet. Maybe thatâ€™s because the folks who go
in for COWs arenâ€™t too eager for kids to be able to read, write and
do arithmetic. The three â€œRsâ€ can result inâ€¦ and I shudder at
the thoughtâ€¦ independent thinking, literacy, the ability to add up the national
debt, and a population of hard to manipulate individuals! God forbid!
You see COW helps Americaâ€™s
future opinion leaders grasp the fundamental wisdom that multi-media
sources with catchy music are the source of all truth and knowledge,
you know like MTV, â€œreality televisionâ€ and televised State of the
Union Addresses. Those future opinion leaders will be able to deal with
American subversives (readers) who actually doubt the veracity
of FOX News [sic].
As well, your kids will be
ready for the new American Economy which consists of workers in what
Secretary of Labor, Elaine Chao has cunningly described as: â€œprofessional and business services, health care, hospitality, and
retail trade.â€ In plain English, that means government lackeys (including
nubile pages), cleaning women, hospital orderlies, bellboys and Wal-Mart
Kids, teachers, parents and
administrators love COWs! So letâ€™s ignite a book burninâ€™
bonfire tonight! Like one â€œstudentâ€ says in the official Ignite! Learning
webpage, â€œI think that COWâ€¦ totally rocksâ€!
Sounds too good to be true
doesnâ€™t it? You ask: where can my school get a COW or better
yet a whole herd of COWs? Itâ€™s easy! Just give Ignite! Learningâ€™s
big boss, Neil Bush a call andâ€¦ Oh waitâ€¦ Did I forget to mention
that little fact? My oversight. The head of Ignite! Learning, the makers
of The COW, is none other than Neil Bush, President George W. Bushâ€™s
little brother. Well, dang! We donâ€™t want no one whoâ€™s gonna be
better speakinâ€™ than The Decider do we? With COW thatâ€™s one less
worry we have.
And your school can get a COW
by using funds from President George W. Bushâ€™s No Child Left Behind
program! COWs only cost a piddling $3,800 each! Not only will your school
be actively supporting the War on Terror by helping to brainwash the
next generation (your kids and grand kids wonâ€™t have a clue why so
many people hate us), but also you will be supporting the Bush Family.
Just so happens that former president, George H.W. and Barbara
Bush are investors. Well, like all good parents, theyâ€™re
just trying to help out one of their boys. Theyâ€™ve always done that.
Besides, a good, solid investment helps protect The Dynasty built on
selling both kinds of oil, dino and snake. Iâ€™d say that counts
as â€œwith us.â€
Of course, maybe Iâ€™m all
wet here. Maybe real qualified, experienced teachers would do a better
job than a machine. Maybe cutesy cartoons and jingles are insulting
the intelligence of the next brood of obeyersâ€¦ while they still
have intelligence. Maybe taking kids on a field trip to see a real
cow at a real dairy might be more educational. Maybe actually teaching
them to read, write, do math and think for them selves is better.
What am I saying?! Thatâ€™s
insane! I must have Mad COW disease! Let there be a stampede of
COWs across America!