Via sources unknown and by
methods unclear ("Stuff happens" â€“ the Hon. Donald R. Rumsfeld),
Atlantic Free Press has come into possession of a recording of a
psychoanalytic session between Dr. Jungen Freudant and one of this
patients, a certain G.W. Bush. Our senior writer, Paul William Roberts, has been so good as to provide the yeoman service of transcribing the tape for our readers.
SESSION 237 FRIDAY NOV 3
Dr Freudant: Good to see you, George. How are you?
George W. Bush: Been havinâ€™ problems, Docâ€¦
JF : Yes?
GWB: Big fuckinâ€™ problemsâ€¦
JF : Tell meâ€¦
GWB: My Dad wont take my callsâ€¦My wifeâ€™s foolinâ€™ around on meâ€¦my senior advisers just admitted theyâ€™ve been lyinâ€™ to meâ€¦and my best friend brought me a present back from Englandâ€¦
JF : A Tony Blair voodoo doll?
GWB: No, I already got oneâ€¦It was a T-shirt that says, â€œBush is just another word for cunâ€”erâ€¦for vaginaâ€¦but in Englishâ€¦â€
JF : And how does that make you feel?
GWB: Like a cuntâ€¦umâ€¦ya knowâ€¦
JF : A vagina is something half the population likes very much, Georgeâ€¦
GWB: Hey, youâ€™re rightâ€¦I gotta remember thatâ€¦Ha ha! Ahâ€¦But the polls ainâ€™t sayinâ€™ that, Doc. Ainâ€™t even ten percent that like meâ€¦Am I being paranoid?
JF : A paranoid is someone who has all the facts, Georgeâ€¦
GWB: Well, I finally do have all the facts, Docâ€¦Anâ€™ things ainâ€™t goinâ€™ so well in Iraq as they were when I was over there with the turkey that timeâ€¦
JF : You were there with your father?
GWB: Metapherically, I guessâ€¦We all were then, werenâ€™t weâ€¦? Hey, is it a metimphor when itâ€™s a guy? Or do ya use metaphor for both?
JF : Iâ€™m from Viennaâ€¦
GWB: â€˜Cos I always think, like, I metaphor a drink anâ€™ one thing led to â€“
JF: Her mother?
GWB: Yeah, thatâ€™s rightâ€¦Howâ€™d you know that? And her mother was such a bitch, she made mine look like Mother Teresaâ€¦
JF : And how does that make you feel, George?
GWB: I guess no one goinâ€™ to ask the Pope to make me a saint, is they?
JF : Is that what you wanted to be, George, a saint?
GWB: Hell, no! Thatâ€™s for pussies. I wanna have one of them statues on a horseâ€¦
JF : What does the word horse mean to you?
GWB: Like my Poppy used to say, Ya can lead a whore ta culture but ya cainâ€™t make â€˜er thinkâ€¦Hahaâ€¦
JF : And you feel youâ€™ve been led to culture and still cannot think, do you?
GWB: Donâ€™t â€˜ave the patience for none that learninâ€™ stuff, Docâ€¦Iâ€™m an action manâ€¦
JF: So you feel like a small plastic doll?
GWB: Sureâ€¦you gonna have one too?
JF : Oneâ€¦twoâ€¦What comes next, George?
GWB: Many? One too many?
JF : Is that how you feel, George? That you are one too many in a population of 300 million?
GWB: What I feel is like a fuckinâ€™ beer, Docâ€¦
JF: So you already see yourself dead, on the funeral bierâ€¦? What does that tell you?
GWB: I cainâ€™t have a beer â€˜til Iâ€™m dead?
JF : But so many voters said they voted for you just because you seemed the kind of guy they could have a beer withâ€¦
GWB: But I ainâ€™t the kinda guy you can have a beer withâ€¦
JF : Youâ€™re conflicted?
GWB: Cowboyflictedâ€¦I prefer cowboy flicks to convict moviesâ€¦
JF : Guilt? You feel you deserve to be in prison?
GWB: Iâ€™m white! Donâ€™t be dumbâ€¦
JF : Does it hurt you when they say youâ€™re dumb, George? When they say youâ€™re an idiotâ€¦?
GWB: â€˜Course not, fool! We got a sayinâ€™ in Texas that When the last gob oâ€™ spit leaves your enemyâ€™s mouth it brings rain to parched landâ€¦
JF : What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
GWB: Search me, Boss!
JF : If I say to you, George, whoâ€™s in charge? Whatâ€™s the first thing that springs to mind?
JF : You feel your penis is in charge of you?
GWB: Hey, not everyone is blessed like Billy Clinton, Docâ€¦I never said I didnâ€™t have modest piping in thâ€™ olâ€™ closetâ€¦
JF : You want to come out of that closet, do you?
GWB: Hey, steady on, palâ€¦.Themâ€™s prayer sessions we have at DHSâ€¦anâ€™ Bible readinâ€™sâ€¦
JF : When I tell you to picture a ruggedly handsome man with a shaved head, George, what is the first thought that comes to your mind?
JF : Ughâ€¦heâ€™s so old! And â€˜ruggedly handsomeâ€™? Really?
GWB: My Poppy says ya can tell what kinda advert Dick Cheney is for his gender by the fact that his daughterâ€™s muchinâ€™ the rugâ€¦.Hahaâ€¦
JF : And your daughters, George? What did you do with them?
GWB: Huh? I ainâ€™t got no daughtersâ€¦Do I?
JF: I see our time is up, George. Iâ€™ll see you next weekâ€¦
GWB: You son of a gun, you, Doc! Yâ€™always leave me with a cliffhuggerâ€¦
JF : Good luck on Tuesdayâ€¦
GWB: Huh? Ohâ€¦the poker game?
JF : No, the mid-term electionsâ€¦
GWB: Oh, shoot, yeah --- ferget about it, Docâ€¦ My advisers tell me Iâ€™ve made it impossible for a Republican to be elected to Congress for the rest oâ€™ the decadeâ€¦Neat, eh? I guess thatâ€™s gonna be part of my legacyâ€¦yep! Iâ€™m mighty proud oâ€™ that oneâ€¦ See yaâ€¦
A DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS SHUT
JF : What a fuckinâ€™ idiotâ€¦.But what can I do? Psychoanalysis ainâ€™t rocket scienceâ€¦Next, please, Margarita!
A DOOR OPENS
GWB: Doctor Freudant, good to see you!
JF : Mister Presidentâ€¦Glad to see you remembered about the double sessionâ€¦
GWB: Feelinâ€™ pretty good about it, sirâ€¦I need to leave here on an up, not a â€¦erâ€¦the other thingâ€¦
JF : How are you?
GWB: Great, just great! No problems I can seeâ€¦Nopeâ€¦noneâ€¦
JF : Excellentâ€¦.How does that make you feel, Mister President?
GWB: Pretty damn goodâ€¦
JF : Iraq been bothering you at all?
GWB: The lies get to meâ€¦
JF : Lies?
GWB: Ya keep hearinâ€™ these fake reports that weâ€™re not stayinâ€™ the course, that things ainâ€™t goinâ€™ so wellâ€¦
JF : This upsets you?
GWB: Yeahâ€¦â€™Cos I know the factual factsâ€¦
JF : Why arenâ€™t these factual facts better known?
GWB: Good pointâ€¦I guess itâ€™s national securityâ€¦Thereâ€™s things weâ€™d like to tell the American people, but we canâ€™t â€˜cos of national securityâ€¦
JF : Give me an exampleâ€¦
GWB: Umâ€¦erâ€¦well, like weâ€™s winning the battle in Iraq anâ€™ the countryâ€™s restabilisinâ€™â€¦lotta new deconstruction thereâ€¦schoolsâ€¦hospitalsâ€¦the suicide bombings are more fewerâ€¦democracyâ€™s on the horizon and nearly overhead nowâ€¦that sorta thingâ€¦
JF : Why is that prevented by national security concerns?
GWB: Search me! I tell ya this, though: my nose hairs are a national security issue tooâ€¦hahaâ€¦
JF : Then try to look at it this way, sir: the best stuff will be reserved for your memoirsâ€¦The American public will be amazed to find out what has really been going onâ€¦
GWB: Right, right! Anâ€™ itâ€™ll sell more books too, wonâ€™t itâ€¦?
JF : Which, for someone who will have written twice as many books as heâ€™s read, is quite a solid achievement in itselfâ€¦
GWB: Hey, I read that goat bookâ€¦.But, hell, youâ€™re right! It ainâ€™t bad for a high-school drop-out, is it?
JF : As you said yourself, sir, teach a child to read and he or her will become more literateâ€¦
GWB: Damn! Did I say that? Pretty smart, huh?
JF : And it is achievements like this that the public will cherish long after your presidency is overâ€¦the priorities you established and kept in spite of all oppositionâ€¦
GWB: Our priorities is our faithâ€¦
JF : Nicely put. The good is preserved, the rest is forgotten. Preservation should be your themeâ€¦
GWB: Yeah, preservation is important. Itâ€™s what you do when youâ€™re president. You preserveâ€¦
JF : Well, maybe have someone work on it a bit --- but thatâ€™s the ideaâ€¦Itâ€™s the distinction between innocence and guiltâ€¦ Remember what you said about the death penalty when you were Governor?
GWB: That we ainâ€™t never executed a guilty man in Texas?
JF : Erâ€¦something like that, yes. Thatâ€™s the kind of certainty the public want to see in youâ€¦
GWB: Really? â€˜Cos sometimes I get the feelinâ€™ they wanna see my doubtâ€¦
JF : Absolutely not, sirâ€¦Children need to see confidence in their parents to feel secureâ€¦
JF : Chest out, jaw juttingâ€¦.the Iâ€™m-in-charge-and-things-are-fine expressionâ€¦
GWB: Anâ€™ not bother â€˜em with any problems?
JF : Nopeâ€¦Letâ€™s try it out? Iâ€™ll throw some words at you, and you give me your immediate response, okay?
JF : The future of the oceans?
GWB: I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefullyâ€¦?
JF : Good, goodâ€¦Relief of poverty?
GWB: Erâ€¦the best way to relieve the poor is to let â€˜em keep some of their own money occasionallyâ€¦?
JF : Fantastic! How about AIDS?
GWB: Make no mistake about it, we are very concerned about AIDS in the White Houseâ€¦?
JF : Superb, sirâ€¦Letâ€™s try incentives to small businessâ€¦?
GWB: I understand small business growth â€“ I was oneâ€¦?
JF : Excellentâ€¦Capital punishmentâ€¦?
GWB: What sense do it make to punish capital when itâ€™s the better system of economism we got?
JF : The death penalty?
GWB: We all pay a price or penalty of death when we buy life. Thatâ€™s what it costs! But I am totally opposed to the inhumane and unsanitary practice of ending a human life that otherwise could have livedâ€¦
JF : Your brother, Jebâ€¦?
GWB: I am very gracious to find my brother Jeb also supports the hemisphereâ€¦?
JF : Global warming?
GWB: It is a grave mistake to make that just because the most educated scientists in the world are saying we are reversing into a catastrophe of more hotter futures, to believe this means that the polar bears wonâ€™t melt. They wont! Thatâ€™s why we have zoos where Americans can see all the environmental species weâ€™re supposed to killâ€¦
JF : China?
GWB: Many Americans have good cups and plates which they call china without even realizing itâ€™s all made in the oriental world. Free trade means weâ€™re free to call a cup a mug and a plate a dish, if we want, without having to be grateful for its origins. This is the very core, right close to the center of the whole art of scientific business that we call economizing. Would you accuse your grandmother of economics? No, you would not. So why call them Chinese?
JF : Iraq?
GWB: As many of you know, I am a firm believer in the fallacy of humans, which is shown in the publicâ€™s misunderestimating our mission in the Arab world. A great many Iraqi have expressed their gratitude to me for the horrible job weâ€™ve had to do in rebuilding the rubble of their country. People died! But thatâ€™s only natural --- deathâ€™s a natural part of freedom and struggleâ€¦
Itâ€™s gonna happen whether we like it or cause itâ€¦Itâ€™s not our fault though, that just because someone dies when we bring liberty doesnâ€™t mean Iraqis are exonerated for the crimes we tend to take the blame of being the progenerator forâ€¦Itâ€™s simple common sense that not everyone is gonna be happy to lose their loved ones and rebuild their homes, but democracy is on the moveâ€¦itâ€™s on the move there. So if anyone stands in its way thereâ€™s going to be a struggle, which we will winâ€¦We got the know-how, the technology, and the brave men and women whose lives mean something when theyâ€™re lost enforcing the justice of a cause that people argue whether itâ€™s just or notâ€¦Iâ€™m the one who says what is just, and justice is just, because itâ€™s what I believeâ€¦We donâ€™t need Iraqis to tell us weâ€™re right because we are showing them weâ€™re right even if they donâ€™t believe itâ€¦
It ainâ€™t a question of belief.. Itâ€™s a factâ€¦and you can see it if you just stop looking negativelyâ€¦I salute those Iraqis who see things the way they are, which is my way, and I say to those who continue the bombing and the killing, your days are numbered. Either you disarm or we willâ€¦I donâ€™t have endless patience for the Iraqi government there in Iraqâ€¦in Baghdad, the big cityâ€¦They gotta do the job thatâ€™s in front of them or the Iraqi public wont be behind â€˜em when we come to vote for a new bunch of people to do what we want for the nationâ€¦But, hey, itâ€™s goinâ€™ wellâ€¦Iâ€™m happy about the progressâ€¦even if the killinâ€™ makes me unhappy from time to timeâ€¦Ya know, when itâ€™s nighttime not all of us can see the sun of a brand new day overhead, can we? Freedom comes as a shock to people who have only known oppressionâ€¦they look at the demolition and the dust of war and they donâ€™t realize that this is libertyâ€™s theme songâ€¦
Ya donâ€™t get freedom for nothinâ€™ --- thereâ€™s a priceâ€¦and that price for Iraqis is learning how to live our wayâ€¦If we donâ€™t know how to bring democracy even to people who fight us, then who does? Thatâ€™s what I said to Mister Maliki, their choice for the one they chose to lead them out of this chaotic situation. There are rules, I said, and if youâ€™re not willinâ€™ to stick by â€˜em, weâ€™ll find someone to resist breaking themâ€¦To those who say cut and run, I say what will you tell all those brave men and women who died for liberty when they come home?
Howâ€™re ya gonna explain their sacrifice to â€˜em, eh? I donâ€™t believe in backing down, in quitting a challenge, even when everyone says itâ€™s the only solution there is. If I listened to that sort of thing I would never have sent our troops there in the first place, so Iâ€™m sure not gonna listen to it and bring them back with the whole job half done and not accomplished. I couldnâ€™t look those brave men and women in the eye and have any self-respect. If Iâ€™m letting them down, itâ€™s because I believe in who I am and have faith in that belief. History will either judge me wrong or fairly, and I am content to be judged by the results, not whatâ€™s happened. Thatâ€™s what history is: a final verdict on all the little mistakes seen from a great distance, where they are mistaken as errors, because it all turned out right when it was overâ€¦
JF : Okay, okay, sirâ€¦can we work on that to get it down to a succinct few words?
THE AUDIO DISC RUNS OUT OF SPACE AT THIS POINT